Sunday, April 23, 2006
It's like a monster that rears its head all of a sudden. I have been jealouos before, in small doses, and always aware that I am being irrational. But it is heightened now, severe, and comes in flashes. All of a sudden I think of E. with someone else, anyone else, our sweet gay-boy friend, and it's as if the floor has dropped out. In the end, it's about fear -- fearing the loss of her from my life -- and it's completely irrational. I see it, know it, and wonder why I'm being so retarded, and yet it brings tears to my eyes. In the end, the fear of infidelity is the fear of loss. The fear that she will no longer love me, will no longer want me, will someday leave me. These are fears I had like little pebbles in my shoe before, and now they are small, sporadic boulders. Can T really do that?