And so therefore, no regular posts yet either. But, here for a brief moment in my parents house, I will send this short post in.
1. when my mom looks at me with disgust and horror, it's hard to not feel crappy. however, i plan to kill her with love, because i know that she loves me, and she can't help but love me. even if i have a goatee. and i love her, and i can't help but love her, even when the first thing she says says to me when i walk in the door is "why do you have to kill us like this?" (okay, that was the second thing.)
2. sex. i wouldn't say my sex drive is higher. it's more that i feel compelled to masturbate more often, to get that release, and not necessarily because i have a "hard on." in fact, i think part of the porn addiction is the need to have some sort of stimulous to get the hard on so i can masturbate successfully so i can get the release, so i can be chill for the rest of the day.
3. big dildos, like the cyberskin cock i recently purchased from mango products, are big. a woman needs time to get used to that, to ease into it.
4. i have a goatee. i love my goatee.
5. my family still calls me by my first name (though i go by my last name) and they still use feminine pronouns. this used to bother me a lot when i felt like the rest of the world saw me as a woman, and i was fighting so hard to be seen as a guy. but now, the whole world knows me as a guy, and so when my family uses feminine pronouns, it doesn't bother me as much. i think it works like this: before, i felt like i was fighting the world, and without validation i would start to feel a bit crazy. but now, if others hear my family say "she," they'll think my family is the crazy entity. (i'm the cute one.)
6. deep down, i feel like i'm both. both male and female. and biologically, clearly i'm both. and why the f*&(k isn;t there a word for that? and just because there isn't a word yet, doesn't mean that both isn't a valid place to exist on the continuum. i may live in the wolrd as a man, my family might treat me like a freaked-out female, but i'm both.
7. E. and i are long-distance lovers/partners/spouses now. why haven't we invented teleportation devices yet?
8. i owe R. a letter. sorry buddy. as soon as i have more email access i'm gonna write you a long letter.
"breaker-breaker, this is Mountain-Goat signing off. over."