A little add-on to my last post, a P.S., if you will.
I'm a bit of hypocrite. Even as I write all this, I am feeling a bit of despair and depression, and I think it may have to do with sex, and so life is not perfect or easy for me as a transman. Let me not pretend that it is.
Sometimes I want to stab myself with a two-handed medieval sword. Luckily they are unwieldy, and not easy to come by. Even in France.
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
In Response to a Brother
A Brother asked me a few questions regarding sex with a dildo, and I responded as best I could with my experiences. I thought the letter might be of help to others, so I am posting it here. Not that I think I am the end all be all of experience, but I do think that it is unfortunate that we often feel uncomfortable to ask direct questions about sex, and so I am glad that he did, and I hope that if nothing else, perhaps this letter will encourage more conversations. And of course, you might have more experiences and wisdom to shed on this subject, and I welcome that as well.
-------------------
"dear [brother],
i have a long letter here to write to you, and not that much time on this computer. first let me answer your immediate questions, then i will go into a longer discussion with you about my experiences.
1. how much of a penis can go inside a woman?
this depends on the woman. both length and width are an issue here. if the dildo/penis is too wide, she might not feel comfortable with it inside her; in terms of length, let me ask you how far can she be penetrated with your finger(s)? can you penetrate her with one finger? two? three? the more fingers, the more width she can take. and the farther you can can slide them in, the more you will understand how deep she can take you in. women need to get used to penetration as well. when i first began making love to E., she was not used to penetration, so we started with one finger, then we slowly worked up to two fingers until that was comfortable. woman can stretch down there, but it takes some time and patience for them to do it comfortably. then when she could handle two fingers easily, we began to try with the dildo, and our first one was 6 inches long, but we had similar problems as you, in that it was so short it was often popping out, which was uncomfortable for her. we eventually moved to a longer, but still slender (1.25 inches in diameter, i think) dildo, and this has been better. (more on this later.)
2. should we try to push it all the way in?
do not try to force anything that feels painful for her. perhaps the angle of penetration is wrong. you might try to be familiar with her vaginal opening and passageway with your hands first, then with the dildo in your hands (not strapped on), then eventually with it strapped on after you have done everything else comfortably. don't force it.
3. does it hurt a woman if more than 3 inches goes inside her?
again, it depends on the woman. some women can take a great, giant penis inside them, some will have trouble with two fingers. how big/small is your partner (height, weight)? again, this goes back to what i said about working up to it slowly. my E. needed time to slowly adjust to greater and greater sizes. penetration with her partner before me had been painful for her. but i try to make sure that there is a lot of foreplay, i touch her for a long time before i put my fingers inside her. i give her oral sex for a while, and i spend time doing that so that she is very arroused and wants me inside her. this also gives her body time to lubricate the inside of her vagina. also, i use a lot of lube. this is very important, and can really make a difference between a painful sexual experience and a fun one. some women lubricate less than others. with E. we always use lubricant and it makes penetration (with anything, fingers or dildo) much more comfortable.
4. is 6 inches too big?
depends on the woman.
5. what is a good position to make love with out hurting her?
i can respond only with my experience, but as i said, first make love to her with your tongue, with your finger, with two fingers, then with the dildo in your hand. once this has all been done (not all in the same sexual excounter, but over a few of them) then make love to her with the dildo strapped on. the most successful position i have found is a type of missionary position: E. lies on her back with her her knees bent and legs spread. i kneel in front of her with my knees under her bent legs, my butt on the bed, facing her. i try and stay low, in terms of the lower part of my body being close to the bed. in this position, once we have had ample foreplay of course, i can take the lube, put some on her clit and vaginal opening, put some on my dildo... then as i scoot up as close to her as i can, i can take the dildo in my hand and slide it over her clit, and just let her get used to it there, on the outside of her first. the rubbing will hopefully be a turn-on as well. then, when she has let me know she's ready, i can take the dildo in my right hand and slowly guide it into her as i touch her clit with my left hand, thus keeping her arroused and open. just penetration without any clitoral stimulation can make her tense or nervous, and then she'll tighten up. now, for us, the angle is key. when the dildo goes in -- and I know the angle from exploring it with my fingers -- i have found that E.'s vaginal tunnel angles downward. so as it goes in, I tilt the shaft of my dildo slightly downwards and it slides in more easily. i slide it in very slowly, then i wait until E. has relaxed and given me the sign that she wants me to move. once it's in, i can thrust from that position, on my knees, and continue to touch her clit, or i can lean down, straighten out my legs, lie on top of her, and kiss her as we make love. you'll see what works best for you. just be careful when thrusting not to pull out too far if your dildo has a tendency to pop out. and as for rhythm, i follow E.'s rhythm, and once i get it, i keep steady and don't change, except to speed up when she wants me to. in the past i used to keep trying to find her rhythm, and then we'd be off because i kept changing it. she perfers me to get one rhythm and stay with it, and she adjusts if she needs to. but i try not to speed up until she lets me know she's close to orgasm.
okay, now some of my questions. how thick is the dildo? i am familiar with silicone dildoes, not so familiar with cyberskin. does it have testicles attached? that might shorten the shaft length.
E. and i had much work to do to work up to penetration, as i have said. but now different things work. we've tried it with me behind her and her on her hands and knees. this entry position is easier as it opens her up more, and the angle is better -- the dildos tend to curve up, and her vaginal canal curves up when i'm behind her. i've explored this with my thumb. when i'm behind her, i can touch her clitoris with my first two fingers while penetrating her with my thumb. if i'm facing her, then i can touch her clit with my thumb while penetrating her with my first two fingers. notice the difference in angle. but we have trouble with me being behind her because the dildo does pop out sometimes and then it can be uncomfortable/painful for her.
also, when i pull out, when we are done, i try to grasp the dildo in one hand as i pull out, to avoid the 'popping' out feeling... i can guide it out by pulling the shaft up gently as i withdraw.
in my experience 6 inches can be difficult because it is fairly short, especailly since i can't feel whether we are popping out or not. but i still go for a thinner dildo. i use silicone, without testicles, and a harness. but that's just my own preference. i wish i had a better harness -- the one I have is all straps and buckles and it's hard to be spontaneous with it unless i wear it all the time. also, i know it's been very difficult for you to obtain this dildo. when i get back to the US, i can look for various models that i like, and send you a list, if you like. but see if you can make this one work. i'm curious myself about the cyberskin.
lube is a wonderful thing. i use a waterbased lube, but KY jelly or some such lube should work as well. it's slippery, and it makes penetration feel much better.
if you practice a lot, this helps her to get used to bigger sizes and also you to get used to the dildo itself. sometimes as she lays on her back, i push her knees up so her thighs touch her chest, or almost do. this makes it a little easier to see where i will enter her, and also just to rub the shaft of the dildo over her clitoris. but E. sometimes finds this uncomfortable to stay in for too long. you'll have to experiment.
E. and i try to keep a sense of humor about it. we find it goes much better when we allow ourselves to laugh at our mistakes and to have fun with the whole process of exploration. this doesn't always happen, as i get down if i don't feel i'm 'performing' correctly, or well enough. i know how you feel, i really do. but i usually ruin the moment by getting depressed, or angry at myself. it's better when we laugh.
i have tried it with E. on top. she likes this sometimes, but first you we needed to find the angle, the lube, and also see if the she could handle the width of the dildo yet. now she can, so it works.
it can be frustrating. i hate that i can't feel her when i have the dildo on. i feel clumsy with it when i haven't used it for a while. but it feels so right to be inside her with it. like that's what i was meant to do, how i was meant to make love to her. i get depressed sometimes, even with the dildo. but all people have to navigate sexual encounters -- i have to remember that -- and many heterosexual couples i know don't have the sex life that we do. so i am lucky, even if i forget that sometimes because i'm too busy worrying about what i don't have. and the dildo isn't perfect. but it is amazing, and E. is thankful that i come in different sizes, and that we don't always have to use it if we don't want to. sometimes she's not in the mood for that and that's okay. and of course she knows how muchit means for me to be inside her, and she likes it, too.
you said it's killing you so much you want to kill yourself. i know that feeling as well. but don't do it. for many reasons, but also, because your partner has been with you for 9 years and my guess is you do satisfy her in bed, you are good in the sack, and if you kill yourself, how do you know she will ever have good sex with someone who loves her the way you do? dildo or no dildo, you love her. i completely understand wanting to kill yourself, feeling that frustrated and angry. but i urge you to have lots of sex instead, as i too will try to do. everytime i orgasm, i feel like it's a little death, and a little rebirth. so everytime we have sex, perhaps we are dying, but we are also being reborn?
ahh. now i'm waxing philosophic, which you did not ask for. my apologies."
--------------------
please, those with greater experience, chime in if you want. and those with questions, ask them. or just talk about it. i wish we all felt more comfortable asking questions about sex. but there is so much pressure to know everything already, as if by magic. i used to spend so much time reading about sexual techniques in bookstores. you'd be surprised what one can learn by reading. E. doesn't seem to complain... and yet I still have a lot to learn.
-------------------
"dear [brother],
i have a long letter here to write to you, and not that much time on this computer. first let me answer your immediate questions, then i will go into a longer discussion with you about my experiences.
1. how much of a penis can go inside a woman?
this depends on the woman. both length and width are an issue here. if the dildo/penis is too wide, she might not feel comfortable with it inside her; in terms of length, let me ask you how far can she be penetrated with your finger(s)? can you penetrate her with one finger? two? three? the more fingers, the more width she can take. and the farther you can can slide them in, the more you will understand how deep she can take you in. women need to get used to penetration as well. when i first began making love to E., she was not used to penetration, so we started with one finger, then we slowly worked up to two fingers until that was comfortable. woman can stretch down there, but it takes some time and patience for them to do it comfortably. then when she could handle two fingers easily, we began to try with the dildo, and our first one was 6 inches long, but we had similar problems as you, in that it was so short it was often popping out, which was uncomfortable for her. we eventually moved to a longer, but still slender (1.25 inches in diameter, i think) dildo, and this has been better. (more on this later.)
2. should we try to push it all the way in?
do not try to force anything that feels painful for her. perhaps the angle of penetration is wrong. you might try to be familiar with her vaginal opening and passageway with your hands first, then with the dildo in your hands (not strapped on), then eventually with it strapped on after you have done everything else comfortably. don't force it.
3. does it hurt a woman if more than 3 inches goes inside her?
again, it depends on the woman. some women can take a great, giant penis inside them, some will have trouble with two fingers. how big/small is your partner (height, weight)? again, this goes back to what i said about working up to it slowly. my E. needed time to slowly adjust to greater and greater sizes. penetration with her partner before me had been painful for her. but i try to make sure that there is a lot of foreplay, i touch her for a long time before i put my fingers inside her. i give her oral sex for a while, and i spend time doing that so that she is very arroused and wants me inside her. this also gives her body time to lubricate the inside of her vagina. also, i use a lot of lube. this is very important, and can really make a difference between a painful sexual experience and a fun one. some women lubricate less than others. with E. we always use lubricant and it makes penetration (with anything, fingers or dildo) much more comfortable.
4. is 6 inches too big?
depends on the woman.
5. what is a good position to make love with out hurting her?
i can respond only with my experience, but as i said, first make love to her with your tongue, with your finger, with two fingers, then with the dildo in your hand. once this has all been done (not all in the same sexual excounter, but over a few of them) then make love to her with the dildo strapped on. the most successful position i have found is a type of missionary position: E. lies on her back with her her knees bent and legs spread. i kneel in front of her with my knees under her bent legs, my butt on the bed, facing her. i try and stay low, in terms of the lower part of my body being close to the bed. in this position, once we have had ample foreplay of course, i can take the lube, put some on her clit and vaginal opening, put some on my dildo... then as i scoot up as close to her as i can, i can take the dildo in my hand and slide it over her clit, and just let her get used to it there, on the outside of her first. the rubbing will hopefully be a turn-on as well. then, when she has let me know she's ready, i can take the dildo in my right hand and slowly guide it into her as i touch her clit with my left hand, thus keeping her arroused and open. just penetration without any clitoral stimulation can make her tense or nervous, and then she'll tighten up. now, for us, the angle is key. when the dildo goes in -- and I know the angle from exploring it with my fingers -- i have found that E.'s vaginal tunnel angles downward. so as it goes in, I tilt the shaft of my dildo slightly downwards and it slides in more easily. i slide it in very slowly, then i wait until E. has relaxed and given me the sign that she wants me to move. once it's in, i can thrust from that position, on my knees, and continue to touch her clit, or i can lean down, straighten out my legs, lie on top of her, and kiss her as we make love. you'll see what works best for you. just be careful when thrusting not to pull out too far if your dildo has a tendency to pop out. and as for rhythm, i follow E.'s rhythm, and once i get it, i keep steady and don't change, except to speed up when she wants me to. in the past i used to keep trying to find her rhythm, and then we'd be off because i kept changing it. she perfers me to get one rhythm and stay with it, and she adjusts if she needs to. but i try not to speed up until she lets me know she's close to orgasm.
okay, now some of my questions. how thick is the dildo? i am familiar with silicone dildoes, not so familiar with cyberskin. does it have testicles attached? that might shorten the shaft length.
E. and i had much work to do to work up to penetration, as i have said. but now different things work. we've tried it with me behind her and her on her hands and knees. this entry position is easier as it opens her up more, and the angle is better -- the dildos tend to curve up, and her vaginal canal curves up when i'm behind her. i've explored this with my thumb. when i'm behind her, i can touch her clitoris with my first two fingers while penetrating her with my thumb. if i'm facing her, then i can touch her clit with my thumb while penetrating her with my first two fingers. notice the difference in angle. but we have trouble with me being behind her because the dildo does pop out sometimes and then it can be uncomfortable/painful for her.
also, when i pull out, when we are done, i try to grasp the dildo in one hand as i pull out, to avoid the 'popping' out feeling... i can guide it out by pulling the shaft up gently as i withdraw.
in my experience 6 inches can be difficult because it is fairly short, especailly since i can't feel whether we are popping out or not. but i still go for a thinner dildo. i use silicone, without testicles, and a harness. but that's just my own preference. i wish i had a better harness -- the one I have is all straps and buckles and it's hard to be spontaneous with it unless i wear it all the time. also, i know it's been very difficult for you to obtain this dildo. when i get back to the US, i can look for various models that i like, and send you a list, if you like. but see if you can make this one work. i'm curious myself about the cyberskin.
lube is a wonderful thing. i use a waterbased lube, but KY jelly or some such lube should work as well. it's slippery, and it makes penetration feel much better.
if you practice a lot, this helps her to get used to bigger sizes and also you to get used to the dildo itself. sometimes as she lays on her back, i push her knees up so her thighs touch her chest, or almost do. this makes it a little easier to see where i will enter her, and also just to rub the shaft of the dildo over her clitoris. but E. sometimes finds this uncomfortable to stay in for too long. you'll have to experiment.
E. and i try to keep a sense of humor about it. we find it goes much better when we allow ourselves to laugh at our mistakes and to have fun with the whole process of exploration. this doesn't always happen, as i get down if i don't feel i'm 'performing' correctly, or well enough. i know how you feel, i really do. but i usually ruin the moment by getting depressed, or angry at myself. it's better when we laugh.
i have tried it with E. on top. she likes this sometimes, but first you we needed to find the angle, the lube, and also see if the she could handle the width of the dildo yet. now she can, so it works.
it can be frustrating. i hate that i can't feel her when i have the dildo on. i feel clumsy with it when i haven't used it for a while. but it feels so right to be inside her with it. like that's what i was meant to do, how i was meant to make love to her. i get depressed sometimes, even with the dildo. but all people have to navigate sexual encounters -- i have to remember that -- and many heterosexual couples i know don't have the sex life that we do. so i am lucky, even if i forget that sometimes because i'm too busy worrying about what i don't have. and the dildo isn't perfect. but it is amazing, and E. is thankful that i come in different sizes, and that we don't always have to use it if we don't want to. sometimes she's not in the mood for that and that's okay. and of course she knows how muchit means for me to be inside her, and she likes it, too.
you said it's killing you so much you want to kill yourself. i know that feeling as well. but don't do it. for many reasons, but also, because your partner has been with you for 9 years and my guess is you do satisfy her in bed, you are good in the sack, and if you kill yourself, how do you know she will ever have good sex with someone who loves her the way you do? dildo or no dildo, you love her. i completely understand wanting to kill yourself, feeling that frustrated and angry. but i urge you to have lots of sex instead, as i too will try to do. everytime i orgasm, i feel like it's a little death, and a little rebirth. so everytime we have sex, perhaps we are dying, but we are also being reborn?
ahh. now i'm waxing philosophic, which you did not ask for. my apologies."
--------------------
please, those with greater experience, chime in if you want. and those with questions, ask them. or just talk about it. i wish we all felt more comfortable asking questions about sex. but there is so much pressure to know everything already, as if by magic. i used to spend so much time reading about sexual techniques in bookstores. you'd be surprised what one can learn by reading. E. doesn't seem to complain... and yet I still have a lot to learn.
Sunday, June 25, 2006
The Missing Limb
I have overcome myself. I have managed to have two orgasms with E. without the help of Clyde (a plug-in, non-penetrative vibrator). This is big, as I've onle had two orgasms with E. in our more than six years together without the vibrator. Instead, I use my hand and manually stiulate myself while E. is touching me. It felt good, and nice to not have to be so high-tech in order to share this with her.
However. (There's always a 'however,' isn't there?) However, it takes a lot of mental work to keep the image of my penis alive and erect while be touched; I have to translate what I'm feeling into what it would feel like on my penis (if I had one). There is, in this struggle, and even afterwards, a feeling of despair that wells up. For a second, the thought of death seems preferable. That seems extreme, perhaps, as we all negotiate sex to some degree or another, but the thought creeps in nonetheless, and other brothers have said the same to me.
There are moments when I am glad I don't have a penis, as it is one organ so often used as a weapon. But most times I wish what I felt was there in the flesh. It would make the hard-on I wake up with every morning easier to satisfy, I think. But perhaps the grass is always greener...
However. (There's always a 'however,' isn't there?) However, it takes a lot of mental work to keep the image of my penis alive and erect while be touched; I have to translate what I'm feeling into what it would feel like on my penis (if I had one). There is, in this struggle, and even afterwards, a feeling of despair that wells up. For a second, the thought of death seems preferable. That seems extreme, perhaps, as we all negotiate sex to some degree or another, but the thought creeps in nonetheless, and other brothers have said the same to me.
There are moments when I am glad I don't have a penis, as it is one organ so often used as a weapon. But most times I wish what I felt was there in the flesh. It would make the hard-on I wake up with every morning easier to satisfy, I think. But perhaps the grass is always greener...
Monday, June 19, 2006
Firmly in France
I have arrived, and it seems like just yesterday i was on a plane, and now I am here, in a tiny town in the Loire Valley, and I have been here for almost a week. It's hard to believe. Time flies.
And I have already blown my surge protector, which apprently wasn't made for dual voltage like my computer. So I will be ordering a new surge protector/adapter.
Things are fine. I gave myself my first French shot of T -- the only thing French about it was the location -- and that went splendidly. I expected to be stopped at customs and to be forced to explain myself, my hypodermic needles, etc., but everything went smooth. No one stopped my fuzzy face at the border to question me about the (F) on my passport.
And I have finally been able to catch up on romantic interludes with E., after three years of grad school and very little time for romance. It's been great to be intimate with her again, but it's difficult, too. Even with a dildo, if we're using it, I hate that it's not me inside her. And we don't always want to use a dildo because, a) she's not always in the mood to be penetrated; and b) because it can be a pain to get the harness out and strapped on, etc. She makes me feel like a good lover, in that she can achieve orgasm easily. I, on the 0ther hand, cannot. I have tried to induce orgasms manually (without an external vibrator), ie with my hand, and have succeeded a few times. I even succeeded once with E. helping me, and it was only the third orgasm I've had with her where I have not used a motorized device. It felt great to be able to do that. And also, it was a lot of work: I have to maintain the thought of my 'penis' and how it gets hard, and what it feels like when it touches her, or when it's inside her, in order to maintain my arousal and to have any hope of orgasming.
It's a lot of work. And it can be really frustrating that it's so hard. But I am greatful that we have the time to make love at all, and that after so many years together, we have been able to have another orgasm (mine) without the aid of toys. I won't give up on our toys, but it's nice to feel like it's just her and me.
Okay. I'm off to do something French. Maybe make love in the afternoon. Or maybe just take a shower.
And I have already blown my surge protector, which apprently wasn't made for dual voltage like my computer. So I will be ordering a new surge protector/adapter.
Things are fine. I gave myself my first French shot of T -- the only thing French about it was the location -- and that went splendidly. I expected to be stopped at customs and to be forced to explain myself, my hypodermic needles, etc., but everything went smooth. No one stopped my fuzzy face at the border to question me about the (F) on my passport.
And I have finally been able to catch up on romantic interludes with E., after three years of grad school and very little time for romance. It's been great to be intimate with her again, but it's difficult, too. Even with a dildo, if we're using it, I hate that it's not me inside her. And we don't always want to use a dildo because, a) she's not always in the mood to be penetrated; and b) because it can be a pain to get the harness out and strapped on, etc. She makes me feel like a good lover, in that she can achieve orgasm easily. I, on the 0ther hand, cannot. I have tried to induce orgasms manually (without an external vibrator), ie with my hand, and have succeeded a few times. I even succeeded once with E. helping me, and it was only the third orgasm I've had with her where I have not used a motorized device. It felt great to be able to do that. And also, it was a lot of work: I have to maintain the thought of my 'penis' and how it gets hard, and what it feels like when it touches her, or when it's inside her, in order to maintain my arousal and to have any hope of orgasming.
It's a lot of work. And it can be really frustrating that it's so hard. But I am greatful that we have the time to make love at all, and that after so many years together, we have been able to have another orgasm (mine) without the aid of toys. I won't give up on our toys, but it's nice to feel like it's just her and me.
Okay. I'm off to do something French. Maybe make love in the afternoon. Or maybe just take a shower.
Saturday, June 03, 2006
Skin and Other Organs
I have left off with some of the subtler details of my transition, and with a mind towards keeping a record so that someday doctors will be able to say more than, "We just don't have enough research," when a transman asks a heartfelt question about his health, let me divulge the gritty details.
My skin, specifically my face, is doing very well. Perhaps better than it has ever done. I assume this has more to do with me taking better care of it than I ever have before, seeing a charming dermotologist, and being vain enough to stick with my facial regimens. For the most part, nowadays I use strictly facial cleansers for my face, Oil of Olay lotion, a special cleanser and gel from the dermatologist, and Retin-A for any uninvited pimples. I supplement that with the occasional masque. This might seem rather metrosexual of me, and well, maybe it is, but it pays off.
Other organs include my Nubbin of Stubbin, which would be exactly that. That part or it is fine, though it's bigger; it wakes up arroused and wanting to be touched with some pressure. But other than that it seems healthy. (A little lonely, since E. left, but it's surviving.) The matter of the yellow discharge, on the other hand, has been solved: BV, which translates to vaginosis, a very common infection which occurs when the good bacteria are losing the war against the harmful bacteria. It seems that this has occured (in me) because I have been cleaning myself a mite too aggressively. So I have been cautioned to be more gentle with my nether regions. The anibiotic they put me on, however, is a medication also used with alcoholics, and should I imbibe any alcohol while on this drug, I will get violently sick, perhaps even have a seizure. I have to say, this kind of sucks. Ah, well, what to do. I will also be supplementing this antibiotic regimen with a probiotic, so as to avoid getting a yeast infection, which is the last thing I need.
My other organs seem fine. My chin hairs are bristly, my cheek hairs are soft and stubly at the same time. I shave, if at all, with an electric buzzer, and I don't shave it all the way down; a friend recommended this technique if I wanted to keep my face soft, and my bristle from being too spikey.
On a less medical front, E. is in France, and I am eager to get there. This will be the first time I will be traveling since I started T, and though I have a letter from my doctor to explain the numerous hypodermic needles in my suitcase, I wonder if I will get looks from stern-looking officials. My passport says F still, and I have a very handsome, if very scraggly goatee growing from my chin.
But most of all, I'm just eager to be with E. again.
And this is not intensified in the least by the fact that my parents are visiting me for a week, and I've been called "she" so much in the last few days, it makes me feel a little crazy. And a little bit like I want to stab myself in my heart. Sometimes it's bearable with just my parents, but when my brother and his wife show up and everyone is saying "she," then I feel a bit like I'm dying. That sounds dramatic, but there is a curtain of silence that descends and as people continue to chat and laugh and make merry, what's not said is like a pillow over my head.
My skin, specifically my face, is doing very well. Perhaps better than it has ever done. I assume this has more to do with me taking better care of it than I ever have before, seeing a charming dermotologist, and being vain enough to stick with my facial regimens. For the most part, nowadays I use strictly facial cleansers for my face, Oil of Olay lotion, a special cleanser and gel from the dermatologist, and Retin-A for any uninvited pimples. I supplement that with the occasional masque. This might seem rather metrosexual of me, and well, maybe it is, but it pays off.
Other organs include my Nubbin of Stubbin, which would be exactly that. That part or it is fine, though it's bigger; it wakes up arroused and wanting to be touched with some pressure. But other than that it seems healthy. (A little lonely, since E. left, but it's surviving.) The matter of the yellow discharge, on the other hand, has been solved: BV, which translates to vaginosis, a very common infection which occurs when the good bacteria are losing the war against the harmful bacteria. It seems that this has occured (in me) because I have been cleaning myself a mite too aggressively. So I have been cautioned to be more gentle with my nether regions. The anibiotic they put me on, however, is a medication also used with alcoholics, and should I imbibe any alcohol while on this drug, I will get violently sick, perhaps even have a seizure. I have to say, this kind of sucks. Ah, well, what to do. I will also be supplementing this antibiotic regimen with a probiotic, so as to avoid getting a yeast infection, which is the last thing I need.
My other organs seem fine. My chin hairs are bristly, my cheek hairs are soft and stubly at the same time. I shave, if at all, with an electric buzzer, and I don't shave it all the way down; a friend recommended this technique if I wanted to keep my face soft, and my bristle from being too spikey.
On a less medical front, E. is in France, and I am eager to get there. This will be the first time I will be traveling since I started T, and though I have a letter from my doctor to explain the numerous hypodermic needles in my suitcase, I wonder if I will get looks from stern-looking officials. My passport says F still, and I have a very handsome, if very scraggly goatee growing from my chin.
But most of all, I'm just eager to be with E. again.
And this is not intensified in the least by the fact that my parents are visiting me for a week, and I've been called "she" so much in the last few days, it makes me feel a little crazy. And a little bit like I want to stab myself in my heart. Sometimes it's bearable with just my parents, but when my brother and his wife show up and everyone is saying "she," then I feel a bit like I'm dying. That sounds dramatic, but there is a curtain of silence that descends and as people continue to chat and laugh and make merry, what's not said is like a pillow over my head.
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