Saturday, September 09, 2006

Big Day

My dad sat down to talk to me about health insurance, wanted to know when I was getting a job, and how would I support myself. I braved these questions fairly well, and patiently, I think.

Then he asked why I have hair on my face.

My parents don't ask and I haven't told, until now. Tonight, my dad asked questions, a lot of them, and I am too overwhelmed to write about it in detail right now. But he wasn't mean about it. And I was as patient as I could be, considering my lungs were shaking the whole time. And in the end, their biggest concern seems to be how to deal with the shame and embarrassment of anyone else knowing about me. He said my mom was devestated. He seemed to be trying to understand. But it's up in the air if I will be avoided from now on or not. And yet I feel strangely calm. But that the silence has been broken...

...for now, I'm relieved. But what this means for the future, I don't know.

Friday, September 01, 2006

No Internet Service Yet!!

And so therefore, no regular posts yet either. But, here for a brief moment in my parents house, I will send this short post in.

1. when my mom looks at me with disgust and horror, it's hard to not feel crappy. however, i plan to kill her with love, because i know that she loves me, and she can't help but love me. even if i have a goatee. and i love her, and i can't help but love her, even when the first thing she says says to me when i walk in the door is "why do you have to kill us like this?" (okay, that was the second thing.)
2. sex. i wouldn't say my sex drive is higher. it's more that i feel compelled to masturbate more often, to get that release, and not necessarily because i have a "hard on." in fact, i think part of the porn addiction is the need to have some sort of stimulous to get the hard on so i can masturbate successfully so i can get the release, so i can be chill for the rest of the day.
3. big dildos, like the cyberskin cock i recently purchased from mango products, are big. a woman needs time to get used to that, to ease into it.
4. i have a goatee. i love my goatee.
5. my family still calls me by my first name (though i go by my last name) and they still use feminine pronouns. this used to bother me a lot when i felt like the rest of the world saw me as a woman, and i was fighting so hard to be seen as a guy. but now, the whole world knows me as a guy, and so when my family uses feminine pronouns, it doesn't bother me as much. i think it works like this: before, i felt like i was fighting the world, and without validation i would start to feel a bit crazy. but now, if others hear my family say "she," they'll think my family is the crazy entity. (i'm the cute one.)
6. deep down, i feel like i'm both. both male and female. and biologically, clearly i'm both. and why the f*&(k isn;t there a word for that? and just because there isn't a word yet, doesn't mean that both isn't a valid place to exist on the continuum. i may live in the wolrd as a man, my family might treat me like a freaked-out female, but i'm both.
7. E. and i are long-distance lovers/partners/spouses now. why haven't we invented teleportation devices yet?
8. i owe R. a letter. sorry buddy. as soon as i have more email access i'm gonna write you a long letter.

"breaker-breaker, this is Mountain-Goat signing off. over."