This is a short post. My last shot, a week ago, I dropped the dose down to 3/4mL of T, from the regular dose of 1mL. I have a few more hairs on my back, and my tummy os totally fuzzy. My acne is more of an issue, but that might be stress related. And I think my hairline is receding ever-so-slightly. I have more hair on my thighs and forearms, but only in one area, not all over. For instance, on my leg, a strip about 3 inches across has hair, but the rest is still pretty hair less, and my lower legs are a little more hairy, but not significantly. My forearms, the tops have longer hair, but not all the way around, or even on the side.
My moods are fine, everything else seems perfectly hunky-dory.
Saturday, October 14, 2006
Friday, October 13, 2006
DMV
Two hours of waiting in lines, waiting in chairs, waiting for my number to be called, waiting for my name to be called -- damn, and I did it all with a smile on my face and Anxiety pounding in my heart. Here I am, a goatee, 5 o'clock shadow, my guttural voice, and the form asks me the dreaded:
gender: male or female (circle one)
So I left it blank. The woman behind the counter said, "You have to fill everything out," and pointed at the box. I said, "Is it asking legally, do you want to know what I'm assigned legally?" She looked confused, and a little helpless, and pointed to the box again. She kind of nodded, but I'm not sure why; I took it to mean that yes, the box wanted to know what I "gender" I am legally. So I said, "Well, I'm still legally female," and I circled "female."
That seemed to go okay. Then I had to sit and wait. Then I was informed that my secondary ID wasn't approved. I had brought in my old license which had not yet expired, and a passport. So I had to go talk to the manager. The whole time I'm thinking to myself, we're going to have to call the ACLU. They're going to deny me my license AND they're going to keep my forms of ID and we're going to have to call in the ACLU. Do we have the number? Are they in the phone book?
But in fact, the manager okay'd my IDs, I paid my $24 (I know, it's cheap in VA), and I sat down. Then I got my picture taken -- I look vaguely sinister -- and minutes later I got my license. It looks boring, I miss my Massachusetts license.
But. Here on the license is a picture of me, goatee and all, and on the card is a tiny "F." And you know, that's as close as I can come right now to being out about my intersexual status (and I apologize to intersex people if you feel I am co-opting your identification). But as a transman, I feel that I am intersex. Most intersex people are born with genital development of both "female" and "male" organs, so it's visible on the outside. But I think I was born with my body being female and my insides being male, which makes my intersexuality invisible. But I am both. And it's actually kind of nice that my license reflects that.
gender: male or female (circle one)
So I left it blank. The woman behind the counter said, "You have to fill everything out," and pointed at the box. I said, "Is it asking legally, do you want to know what I'm assigned legally?" She looked confused, and a little helpless, and pointed to the box again. She kind of nodded, but I'm not sure why; I took it to mean that yes, the box wanted to know what I "gender" I am legally. So I said, "Well, I'm still legally female," and I circled "female."
That seemed to go okay. Then I had to sit and wait. Then I was informed that my secondary ID wasn't approved. I had brought in my old license which had not yet expired, and a passport. So I had to go talk to the manager. The whole time I'm thinking to myself, we're going to have to call the ACLU. They're going to deny me my license AND they're going to keep my forms of ID and we're going to have to call in the ACLU. Do we have the number? Are they in the phone book?
But in fact, the manager okay'd my IDs, I paid my $24 (I know, it's cheap in VA), and I sat down. Then I got my picture taken -- I look vaguely sinister -- and minutes later I got my license. It looks boring, I miss my Massachusetts license.
But. Here on the license is a picture of me, goatee and all, and on the card is a tiny "F." And you know, that's as close as I can come right now to being out about my intersexual status (and I apologize to intersex people if you feel I am co-opting your identification). But as a transman, I feel that I am intersex. Most intersex people are born with genital development of both "female" and "male" organs, so it's visible on the outside. But I think I was born with my body being female and my insides being male, which makes my intersexuality invisible. But I am both. And it's actually kind of nice that my license reflects that.
Thursday, October 12, 2006
"Cheating"
Here I'm referring to a betrayal, and simply put, the act of having some sort of sexual relations with a person other than your partner. I often wonder what would happen if I were to accidentally cheat on E., and my immediate thought is that I would hate myself and try to do bodily harm to myself for hurting her and for ruining the most amazing relationship in my life.
In fact, E. and I discuss the possibility: What we would do? Would it mean the end of us? Should we tell the other person? What we've decided is that we would go into couples therapy immediately to talk it out and figure out why it happened. It would not mean the end of us. And I insist that we tell each other because withholding is a huge peeve for me.
What if I want to have sexual relations with another person? Or she does? Then we talk about it ahead of time, and we analyze it to see if it's a manifestation of some problem in our relationship. And it's quite possible that we might allow the other person to have these relations if we've discussed it first.
Why do people cheat? Are they hurt? Angry? Do they feel abandoned or ignored? These are things to pay attention to. And if I ever did cheat on E., more dangerous than the actual event of the sex would be how I would feel afterwards. I think I might hate myself so much that my negativity and constant self-degradation might strain the relationship more than anything. Couples therapy would be imperative. And I believe constant communication. And if E. cheated, I would be mad and hurt, and probably insecure, and so she would have to help me deal with that, but I think that would be her burden to bear for the act. As it would be mine, if it was I who had done it.
But here's another thought about this "betrayal." In some countries, children are smacked or spanked or hit once in a while as a matter of course. And these kids don't feel abused or like their parents don't love them, because they know all their friends parents do it as well. But in this country, especially in a certain economic class, if you are hit it's a bigger deal. It's a source of shame and you so you hide it and don't speak of it to your friends. You might even think your parents hate you. I think that in this country "cheating" is similar -- it's a source of shame. The person who was cheated on often feels like they shouldn't tell anyone that their partner strayed. The person who cheats might feel horrible, like they are a terrible person, and eventually feeling guilty will become too much to bear and they will get angry, at themselves and at their partner, because they will feel that their partner is making them feel guilty. But what if we understood "cheating" as a thing that happens, like fighting? You work it out. It never means the end of relationship. You talk about it and understand where it comes from, is the cheater insecure? Self-sabotaging? I feel like if we could just communicate about it more, understand it more, and not surround it with shame, but understand that cheating connotes a break in the promise you make to your partner. A break in trust, possibly.
And of course, in this day and age, safe sex is imperative and cheating could put your partner at risk if you don't tell, and if you are unsafe and if you don't get tested afterwards.
This is a rambling, and I'm not trying to make an argument for cheating by any means. But I personally think it's not the act of sleeping with another person, but the fact that you break your promise to your partner, the promise not to sleep with anyone else. And that it's also a form of communication, a way for you to express something to your partner -- granted, not the healthiest form of communication.
All this being said, I've never been close to straying from E., and the thought of it brings tears to my eyes. And E. has never strayed from me. But we talk about it, and if I ever have the urge, I think I would call her and talk to her about it first. Unless I was drunk, because sometimes physiology kicks in. But that's an argument to never get that drunk.
In an ideal world, we would be able to have relations and share love and intimacy with more than one person, without ever feeling that we would lose the love of our partners. But right now I'm too insecure to make that possible, and E. has no interest in that.
I think it should be called something other than "cheating." And betrayal is a very loaded word. Maybe a mistake? It's hurtful, but it doesn't mean that two people don't love each other anymore.
Okay, I'm rambling and with no destination in sight.
Food for thought.
In fact, E. and I discuss the possibility: What we would do? Would it mean the end of us? Should we tell the other person? What we've decided is that we would go into couples therapy immediately to talk it out and figure out why it happened. It would not mean the end of us. And I insist that we tell each other because withholding is a huge peeve for me.
What if I want to have sexual relations with another person? Or she does? Then we talk about it ahead of time, and we analyze it to see if it's a manifestation of some problem in our relationship. And it's quite possible that we might allow the other person to have these relations if we've discussed it first.
Why do people cheat? Are they hurt? Angry? Do they feel abandoned or ignored? These are things to pay attention to. And if I ever did cheat on E., more dangerous than the actual event of the sex would be how I would feel afterwards. I think I might hate myself so much that my negativity and constant self-degradation might strain the relationship more than anything. Couples therapy would be imperative. And I believe constant communication. And if E. cheated, I would be mad and hurt, and probably insecure, and so she would have to help me deal with that, but I think that would be her burden to bear for the act. As it would be mine, if it was I who had done it.
But here's another thought about this "betrayal." In some countries, children are smacked or spanked or hit once in a while as a matter of course. And these kids don't feel abused or like their parents don't love them, because they know all their friends parents do it as well. But in this country, especially in a certain economic class, if you are hit it's a bigger deal. It's a source of shame and you so you hide it and don't speak of it to your friends. You might even think your parents hate you. I think that in this country "cheating" is similar -- it's a source of shame. The person who was cheated on often feels like they shouldn't tell anyone that their partner strayed. The person who cheats might feel horrible, like they are a terrible person, and eventually feeling guilty will become too much to bear and they will get angry, at themselves and at their partner, because they will feel that their partner is making them feel guilty. But what if we understood "cheating" as a thing that happens, like fighting? You work it out. It never means the end of relationship. You talk about it and understand where it comes from, is the cheater insecure? Self-sabotaging? I feel like if we could just communicate about it more, understand it more, and not surround it with shame, but understand that cheating connotes a break in the promise you make to your partner. A break in trust, possibly.
And of course, in this day and age, safe sex is imperative and cheating could put your partner at risk if you don't tell, and if you are unsafe and if you don't get tested afterwards.
This is a rambling, and I'm not trying to make an argument for cheating by any means. But I personally think it's not the act of sleeping with another person, but the fact that you break your promise to your partner, the promise not to sleep with anyone else. And that it's also a form of communication, a way for you to express something to your partner -- granted, not the healthiest form of communication.
All this being said, I've never been close to straying from E., and the thought of it brings tears to my eyes. And E. has never strayed from me. But we talk about it, and if I ever have the urge, I think I would call her and talk to her about it first. Unless I was drunk, because sometimes physiology kicks in. But that's an argument to never get that drunk.
In an ideal world, we would be able to have relations and share love and intimacy with more than one person, without ever feeling that we would lose the love of our partners. But right now I'm too insecure to make that possible, and E. has no interest in that.
I think it should be called something other than "cheating." And betrayal is a very loaded word. Maybe a mistake? It's hurtful, but it doesn't mean that two people don't love each other anymore.
Okay, I'm rambling and with no destination in sight.
Food for thought.
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
Still a Butch
I am. I don't care what anyone says, I'm still a Butch. Granted, I'm a Butch with a wee Beard, but that is just a dream come true. I can't be faulted for living my dreams, right?
Sex is a source of endless tension for couples, and we are no different. But the past couple have days have been great, and I think it's because I let my Butch drive and told Tranny-Boi to sit in the backseat. And what I learned was that it helps to relax, to not expect anything, to laugh a little, and to take care of your femme. All things that I already knew, but what with getting to know my Inner Fourteen-Year-Old Boy, I had gotten a bit high strung about the whole thing. Now, of course it's easy for me to say this because I've made love to my femme in the past couple of days and that is a glorious thing, but of course some of it is Timing, some of it has to do with where E. was, and a little has to do with the rotation of the earth in relation to Pluto Rising. And as for my femme, well, she'll have to write her own blog.
I think there's a lot to be said for being relaxed and laid back about the whole thing. About everything. Sometimes, in lieu of being angry -- which I'm not very good at -- I get quiet and pained and tearful. That can be a lot of pressure to put on a sexual experience, and also, E. tells me, sobbing is not so conducive to eroticism.
It's a trick of Life, I think, to pursue something sans expectation as to the outcome. Zen masters meditate on this one principle for lifetimes.
Sex is a source of endless tension for couples, and we are no different. But the past couple have days have been great, and I think it's because I let my Butch drive and told Tranny-Boi to sit in the backseat. And what I learned was that it helps to relax, to not expect anything, to laugh a little, and to take care of your femme. All things that I already knew, but what with getting to know my Inner Fourteen-Year-Old Boy, I had gotten a bit high strung about the whole thing. Now, of course it's easy for me to say this because I've made love to my femme in the past couple of days and that is a glorious thing, but of course some of it is Timing, some of it has to do with where E. was, and a little has to do with the rotation of the earth in relation to Pluto Rising. And as for my femme, well, she'll have to write her own blog.
I think there's a lot to be said for being relaxed and laid back about the whole thing. About everything. Sometimes, in lieu of being angry -- which I'm not very good at -- I get quiet and pained and tearful. That can be a lot of pressure to put on a sexual experience, and also, E. tells me, sobbing is not so conducive to eroticism.
It's a trick of Life, I think, to pursue something sans expectation as to the outcome. Zen masters meditate on this one principle for lifetimes.
Monday, October 09, 2006
I Miss My Blog
I have more reliable internet service now. Well, at home in DC, that is. I will be in DC this week, but then I'm back in NYC living on couches again for a few days, then to Western Massachusetts to hang out with loved ones in the beautiful Berkshires, then back to DC, then back to NYC.
I still don't know where I will be most of the time. There are advantages in DC (my beloved and our Home) and advantages in NYC (everything else). But I think a reframing of the question is important. I keep asking myself "what is the best thing for me do?" From now on, I'd like to try asking myself, "Who do I want to be now?" And to always remind myself that there is no wrong answer. There are Winding Paths to walk down, and there are Windier Paths. I'd like to travel as the crow flies, if possible. My impatience is a source of endless anxiety.
I still don't know where I will be most of the time. There are advantages in DC (my beloved and our Home) and advantages in NYC (everything else). But I think a reframing of the question is important. I keep asking myself "what is the best thing for me do?" From now on, I'd like to try asking myself, "Who do I want to be now?" And to always remind myself that there is no wrong answer. There are Winding Paths to walk down, and there are Windier Paths. I'd like to travel as the crow flies, if possible. My impatience is a source of endless anxiety.
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