I think the discussion needs to move away from the terms masculinity and femininity. They are too close in pronouniation to the words male and female, and that causes us to associate them as a derivitive: If you are male, you must be masculine; if you are female, you must be feminine. This is not so.
A better alternative are the age old terms of yin and yang. We are all both yin and yang. One cannot exist without the other. I can't seem to hyperlink on this computer, so check out this site: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yin_and_yang.
Me need to move away from either/or and move towards inclusion. I am you and you are me. We are one. What hurts you, hurts me. If you kick someone, then I have kicked someone, and that's not okay with me. We are all one in relation to each other.
Yin and Yang.
Monday, March 26, 2007
Friday, March 23, 2007
Back in DC
My rendezvous with a boy has been postponed for now. But I'll come back to it. In the meantime, I did spend some time with a friend who allowed me to touch his penis, and it wasn't nearly as weird as I thought it'd be. For some reason I thought it wass going to be slimy or ugly or threatening, and it wassn;t anny of those things. It was rather handsome, and soft to the touch, and smooth, and it wasn't as big of a deal as I thought it'd be. I didn't feel horrible about not having one. I liked touching it. I wasn't quite sure what to do with it, but I managed. I even suckedd on it just to see what it was like. It was fine.
Overall, I felt more than ever that E.'s is the body that I like to touch the most, but I was glad for the experience. And there are a few more experiences I'd like to have, but I don't expect them to be that different from this one. Though I was very grateful and lucky to have such a generous friend who allowed me free reign to do what I wanted. I thank him from the bottom of my heart.
Right now I'm in DC. I've relocated my base of operations to here so I can be with E. more, and will be venturing into NYC as needed.
Overall, I felt more than ever that E.'s is the body that I like to touch the most, but I was glad for the experience. And there are a few more experiences I'd like to have, but I don't expect them to be that different from this one. Though I was very grateful and lucky to have such a generous friend who allowed me free reign to do what I wanted. I thank him from the bottom of my heart.
Right now I'm in DC. I've relocated my base of operations to here so I can be with E. more, and will be venturing into NYC as needed.
Friday, March 09, 2007
Craigslist.Org
I've been checking out the personal ads on craigslist lately, and it's a whole world that's scary and exciting and I'm trying to figure out how to navigate it.
E. has been totally supportive of my wanting to explore my sexuality, and we have talked extensively about it. I love ta more than anyone else in my life. I would want ta to be a part of my new sexual experiences, but ta's not ready for that yet, and that's fine.
So I've been searching the craigslist ads, the personals in both Washington DC and New York City. I've checked the platonic ads, but they seem to be for people looking for friends and relationships. Then I checked the Casual Encounters ads, and all the transpeople wanted or listed seemed to be transwomen. In the DC ads, I found only one ad that mentioned FTMs. So I responded, and have been emailing back and forth with an older guy, who seems nice enough.
Then I took the leap and placed my own ad in the New York City craigslist, and this is what it said:
"TS GUY looking for MALE experience
I'm a pre-op transsexual man (FTM). I'm in a committed relationship with a woman, but am interested in exploring my attraction to men. I'm looking for someone gentle, openminded, willing to help me. I want to explore your body, touch you. I've always been a top, and would like to experience that, but might at some point want to try being a bottom if I feel comfortable. We could watch gay or bi porn and see where it
goes. Maybe trade erotic/sensual massages.
I'm very clean (shower before play), d/d free and want to stay that way. nsa. I'd like you to be a clean, d/d free, gentle gay/bi/ts man who is patient and willing to be touched and maybe more.
if you think you're this person, we could trade a few emails, maybe meet up for a drink, and if we are both amenable, we could spend an afternoon or two together. (i can't host.)
we can trade pics if you like, no need for nude ones.
thanks for reading this. and if you're not intersted, good luck in your own search."
I hit send. I went away for the evening. ...This morning I checked my email to see about 15 responses. I didn't have the guts to check them, I was too scared (nboth of the freaks that might have emailed me, and of the possibility that this urge might turn into a reality). So instead I went to the craigslist site and looked for my ad. And to my amazement, I saw two more ads that also mentioned FTMs, one from an FTM who wanted to meet someone, and one from a cisgendered man (assigned male at birth and identifies as male) who had dated transmen in the past and wanted to have another such experience. I can't help it, I felt like a trendsetter!
(If you check out the San Francisco craigslist personals, you'll see lots of FTMs ads.)
So anyway, I then created another email account with yahoo just for the purpose of answering these ads (it seemed safer to do that), and answered almost all of them. There are a few real possibilities: married/straight men who want to explore sex with another man, gay men who want to explore transmen, and guys who have had possitive experiences with FTMs and would like to have them again. Of course there were a few responses that clearly were for transwomen. And there were a number of people who wanted gave me the dimensions of their cocks (I don't think they realize that bigger is not necessarily better).
So now we'll see what happens. The plan is to trade emails, get more specific about what people want and expect. Then meet up for a drink and see if the vibe is compatible, and then maybe pick a place and time to get together.
I'm completely scared. And I'm excited. And I hope I can have these experiences without feeling like I've betrayed E. She doesn't think that, and we've talked EXTENSIVELY about it. But I would be destroyed if for some reason I did something that I thought was okay with ta, and then ended up not being okay with ta.
On the flip side of that, I think ideally, we could all be secure in the love we have for each other that we could let our partners have experiences and not worry that it would mean that they didn't love us anymore. Because I love E. to the ends of the Earth.
Okay, that's me. Revealing all.
E. has been totally supportive of my wanting to explore my sexuality, and we have talked extensively about it. I love ta more than anyone else in my life. I would want ta to be a part of my new sexual experiences, but ta's not ready for that yet, and that's fine.
So I've been searching the craigslist ads, the personals in both Washington DC and New York City. I've checked the platonic ads, but they seem to be for people looking for friends and relationships. Then I checked the Casual Encounters ads, and all the transpeople wanted or listed seemed to be transwomen. In the DC ads, I found only one ad that mentioned FTMs. So I responded, and have been emailing back and forth with an older guy, who seems nice enough.
Then I took the leap and placed my own ad in the New York City craigslist, and this is what it said:
"TS GUY looking for MALE experience
I'm a pre-op transsexual man (FTM). I'm in a committed relationship with a woman, but am interested in exploring my attraction to men. I'm looking for someone gentle, openminded, willing to help me. I want to explore your body, touch you. I've always been a top, and would like to experience that, but might at some point want to try being a bottom if I feel comfortable. We could watch gay or bi porn and see where it
goes. Maybe trade erotic/sensual massages.
I'm very clean (shower before play), d/d free and want to stay that way. nsa. I'd like you to be a clean, d/d free, gentle gay/bi/ts man who is patient and willing to be touched and maybe more.
if you think you're this person, we could trade a few emails, maybe meet up for a drink, and if we are both amenable, we could spend an afternoon or two together. (i can't host.)
we can trade pics if you like, no need for nude ones.
thanks for reading this. and if you're not intersted, good luck in your own search."
I hit send. I went away for the evening. ...This morning I checked my email to see about 15 responses. I didn't have the guts to check them, I was too scared (nboth of the freaks that might have emailed me, and of the possibility that this urge might turn into a reality). So instead I went to the craigslist site and looked for my ad. And to my amazement, I saw two more ads that also mentioned FTMs, one from an FTM who wanted to meet someone, and one from a cisgendered man (assigned male at birth and identifies as male) who had dated transmen in the past and wanted to have another such experience. I can't help it, I felt like a trendsetter!
(If you check out the San Francisco craigslist personals, you'll see lots of FTMs ads.)
So anyway, I then created another email account with yahoo just for the purpose of answering these ads (it seemed safer to do that), and answered almost all of them. There are a few real possibilities: married/straight men who want to explore sex with another man, gay men who want to explore transmen, and guys who have had possitive experiences with FTMs and would like to have them again. Of course there were a few responses that clearly were for transwomen. And there were a number of people who wanted gave me the dimensions of their cocks (I don't think they realize that bigger is not necessarily better).
So now we'll see what happens. The plan is to trade emails, get more specific about what people want and expect. Then meet up for a drink and see if the vibe is compatible, and then maybe pick a place and time to get together.
I'm completely scared. And I'm excited. And I hope I can have these experiences without feeling like I've betrayed E. She doesn't think that, and we've talked EXTENSIVELY about it. But I would be destroyed if for some reason I did something that I thought was okay with ta, and then ended up not being okay with ta.
On the flip side of that, I think ideally, we could all be secure in the love we have for each other that we could let our partners have experiences and not worry that it would mean that they didn't love us anymore. Because I love E. to the ends of the Earth.
Okay, that's me. Revealing all.
Thursday, March 08, 2007
Poem: A Man
a man’s bare chest
that ability,
permission
to feel a breeze on stomach sternum
nipples even
is vulnerable
and a moment later
and another
and another
and then it is strength
defiance, soaring flight power
a woman should feel these things
the air on her breasts, the sunshine
the soaring freedom
and a man
crying
might too learn to feel the power of
an unarmed truth
2/19/07
that ability,
permission
to feel a breeze on stomach sternum
nipples even
is vulnerable
and a moment later
and another
and another
and then it is strength
defiance, soaring flight power
a woman should feel these things
the air on her breasts, the sunshine
the soaring freedom
and a man
crying
might too learn to feel the power of
an unarmed truth
2/19/07
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